Home Offensive

Matt Cain starting + Oakland A's + Pac Bell Park = Yuck.

The Giants simply suck at home. Unfortunate, because Matt Cain was dominant, fanning 11 A's in 7+.

And, although I hoped I was wrong, Omar is completely done as a hitter.

On the plus side, Kevin Correia makes his long awaited return today. Thankfully, Pat will take his Mischuga self back to Fresno.

Links Cure All

We never really had a chance given tonight's matchup. Luckily, the Pat Misch experiment looks to be nearing its merciful end, as Kevin Correia looks fired up and ready to go.

Credit Aaron Cook, who is turning into a legitimate ace for the Rockies, and improves to a nice 9-3.

Too bad the Giants couldn't get into the shaky Rockies bullpen early - they absolutely hammered the Rox relievers and were only a few feet away from a ninth inning Fred Lewis homer that would have cut the lead to three with none out.

We won't have to grasp at straws looking for positives for too much longer: Lincecum goes tomorrow.

In the meantime, LINK DUMP!

- Oft-injured Merkin Valdez has suffered a setback and will get a dreaded MRI.

Unfortunate, as it looked like Valdez was back on track after striking out the side for San Jose in a rehab assignment on Saturday.

From within that piece, Bochy is impressed by Dirty Sanchez's focus.

- Not so fast, says Noah Lowry. Lowry's chutzpah aside, his return is looking more and more like a longshot, but here's hoping.

- Baggarly has a nice piece on Burriss, who reflects on his return to D.C.

- More encouraging news from the farm as the single-A Giants have five players named to the All-Star team, including 19 year old Tim Alderson, the second of our 2007 first-rounders, as well as mashing 21 year old catcher Pablo Sandoval.

- In other San Jose Giants news, the little Giants are getting in on the 50th anniversary festivities of the big league club. They seem to have assembled an impressive roster of attendees.

- Last Thursday's top two draft picks are named to the All-American squad - Posey is first-team and Gillaspie second.

- 47th round pick Abe Ruiz has committed to ASU, but leaves the door open if the Giants show him the money.

Meanwhile, an undrafted UOP second baseman waits for a call.

- And finally, a few Giants react to Griffey's 600th homer.

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The act of sharing will be rewarded karmically (I stole that from a fortune cookie, but it applies).

At Least It Wasn't Second Base

The Shawn Estes comeback story may have reached an untimely end.

How are all these "athletes" such klutzes? I completely lack the characteristics generally associated with athleticism and grace and I couldn't do this stuff if I tried - then again, I spend 80% of my existence is in a hyperbaric chamber, dictating to my monkey stenographer...

Also, Pat Misch sucks.

Giants Calculus

Call it the Anti-Disney Theorem:

There exists an inverse relationship to the magnitude of historic achievement in a single game to the chances of a San Francisco Giants win.

On a night in which the Giants honored Omar Vizquel for breaking Aparicio's record and the Giants turned their first triple play this millenium, the boys couldn't break through against the even more pathetic Padres in 13 innings.

Between the fact that history occurred, Matt Cain started and Greg Maddux was pitching for the bad guys, I shouldn't have even bothered tuning in.

In perhaps his last regularly scheduled start, Mischcast Pat takes on fellow injury replacement (for the nasty Chris Young) Josh Banks in the afternoon game.

- Ortmeier to DL (with a broken finger he has no idea how he broke - seriously) and Brian Horwitz up.

Ortmeier is quickly going the way of JR Phillips, Damon Minor, and Lance Niekro.

Schierholtz stays down to get regular playing time. I dig that.

So...Travis Denker? No one sees any problems with him having started one game since his call up?

Discussion Junction: How stupid is this Denker call up, and management as a whole? Also, do you agree with the Anti-Disney Theorem?

Misch-cast

Good news for the pitching staff as Kevin Correia and Merkin look to be progressing. Correia could even be back by the second week of June, if I'm reading correctly - which, between the glass eye and the early morning cocktail, I'm probably not.

KC and The Sunshine Band's return might spell the end of one of my favorite pun-jockeys in Pat Misch. Love the guy, but I'll be happy to see him either slide to long relief or (more likely) go back to Fresno.

Hope that Merkin can stay healthy once he's back. If he came back today, I'd guess Sadler would go down - but there's still plenty of time to think of a fake injury!

(I'm looking at you, Ray.)

Another Broken Record: Backbreaking Losses

Giants drop two maddening games in the double-header, the second costing hard-luck Matt Cain another shot at a win. Misch-ugana remains winless after deciding to take the day off, getting absolutely shelled in the first game.

Positives: Aaron Rowand's 100th career homer and Bengie Molina's total dominance (12 for his last 17).

Unlike Pat Misch, Omar Vizquel shows up, and gets the all-time record for doing so in the second game. I guess Woody Allen was on to something.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

Rained Out

Double-header tomorrow starting at 10AM.

Cain-Badenhop (presumably) take the mound in the first game, with Misch-Hendrickson in the second.

Yor-vit Is Better Than Ours

Among the nasty byproducts of the mercenaries otherwise known as the early 21st century Giants is that we seem to play a former Giant every freaking series. And every freaking series, no matter how much their skills eroded, if there were any in the first place, they kill us.

So in following in the May tradition of Pedro Feliz, Jose Cruz, Jr. and A.J. Pierzynski, Yorvit Torrealba was the hero last night with the go ahead 2 run double off Vinnie Chulk. And Pat (you drive me) Mischuga once again had his first W of the season ripped away.

In April, the Giants showed that a punch and judy team can, in fact, generate enough runs to win, particularly given the presence of a solid staff. I don't think I'm going out on a ledge in proclaiming that the bullpen has been fairly awful the past couple of weeks, but I believe this is more of a correction than a permanent decline. Did anyone really think that Tyler Walker was going to keep that minuscule ERA? Or that Vinnie Chulk would strand every single runner he inherited? Or that Keiichi Yabu was any kind of long-term answer?

Additionally, Merkin Valdez's absence has hurt this team more than we could have imagined. And that's a guy, who, if he stays healthy (which has always been the problem) could maintain a dominant pace given his stuff.

Here's the point: this team could, you know, come back sometimes. The Giants trailed by 1 for three full innings at Coors Field against a 26th ranked pitching staff and couldn't get it done.

This team, you know, could use a clutch hit with RISP (.196 with 2 outs/.224 overall), or even, perhaps, put the ball in play with a runner on third but less than two outs (purely empirical - who dares call me on this?)

Even the "clutch hitters" are not delivering in this regard. Bengie Molina, who has largely been hitting cleanup because of his clutch hitting, is only hitting .250 with RISP. Same stat for Aaron Rowand (who had an ugly AB with RISP yesterday) - and these guys are our leaders.

Granted, you can't put lipstick on a pig, so I don't put this all on Carney Lansford. But it would be helpful if the better looking pigs told the uglier, runtier pigs that their collective best shot at an extended lifespan is as a showpig.

Okay, I'm done. In other news:

- Remember when the Giants talked to Dallas McPherson before deciding they had no interest? Because we were happy with our options at third?

The former Angels über-prospect, whose career was derailed by back injuries, hit 3 homers for AAA Albuquerque yesterday and is otherwise absolutely destroying AAA pitching.

I guess there's a reason the Marlins are in first with a payroll about a quarter of ours.

Also ironic: the third man out of the three man duel at third between Jorge Cantu (now starting with the Marlins) and McPherson, who was optioned, was Jose Castillo.

- ESPN reports P.J. may hang it up after this year. Unfortunate that such a great pitcher had such an assorted injury history, and a prime reason why Giants fans soil themselves every time the similarly proportioned Timmy L throws over 100 pitches or comes in after an hour rain delay. For the record, I only soiled myself in the latter instance.

- Andruw Jones may have an excuse for his general suck. Not a good one mind you, particularly because his rotundity is probably the reason his knee's giving out.

- Props to Jon Lester, who throws a no-hitter last night. Besides the fact that this is the Red Sox 112th no-hitter in the past ten years, a great story because of the odds Mr. Lester has had to fight to get back to where he is today.

SabeanMetrics

A suddenly shaky bullpen blows the game in late innings once again as the Giants lose to Fat Elvis and the 'Stros 6-3.

Meanwhile, unclutch hitting, a constant for this team, cosst Pat Misch a chance at his first win, as hitters go 1 for 12 with RISP, including two instances in which runners were stranded at third with less than two outs.

Giants can (and will) get the split as Hold Me Closer Tiny Lincecum faces Chris "I want to talk to" Sampson in the day game.

So the Giants are on a 91 loss pace.

But don't sweat it - Brian Sabean isn't. In fact, he thinks the Giants can contend...this year.

When it comes down to it, I think I'm an optimist. Sure, I've enjoyed watching the Giants play this year, and like this team much more than the one before it and the one before that. There's some interesting (gasp! positional) prospects up looking like they belong, and the pitching, notwithstanding the bullpen's recent hiccups and Baked Zito, is very solid.

Sabean, however, is either shrewdly spinning a bad product or has really gone off the deep end. Yeah, maybe the Giants can catch lightning in a bottle and go on a little run. But statements like this make me scratch my head:

"You're seven games under .500. That's where you don't want to be, but I really feel good about the energy around the club and I feel good about some of our choices. We've now got a solution at first base. We've got a solution at third. We've gotten Omar (Vizquel) back. Freddie Lewis has come into his own and (Emmanuel) Burriss has been a real factor lately."

We've got a solution at third? Really? Is this the double-secret probation solution to which the general public is not privvy? Surely, you're not talking about Jose Castillo, right? The guy otherwise known as the bastard child of Pedro Feliz and Shrek. (Shrek's been thrown around lightly in describing ballplayers, but seriously, I think this one really does work.)

As for Fred Lewis and Emmanuel Burris: they are playing out of the sheer dumb luck (or inevitability) of Dave Roberts, Omar Vizquel and Ray Durham being out with injuries. This wasn't by design - so don't claim it as if it was.

And then there's this nugget:

With that in mind, Sabean said he does not contemplate moving his most marketable experienced players before the trade deadline, as many rebuilding teams do. Catcher Bengie Molina and outfielder Randy Winn, both signed through 2009, might yield the most in return. But as of now, Sabean plans to keep them.

"Both of those guys are unique," he said. "On any team, whether you're in transition or you're a veteran team, you want a veteran catcher. You want somebody like Molina who has an upside with the bat. In Randy's case it's the same thing, somebody who is so versatile, a switch-hitter who can play all three outfield positions. Their relative value is going to be consistent no matter what year it is or who you have around them."

Okay, I can understand Molina, although I would trade him in a heartbeat if yielded a package that included a legitimate prospect at third base.

But you won't trade Randy Winn? THE Randy Winn, our venerable punch and judy right fielder? He can play ALL three outfield positions, you say?

However would we replace that? It's not like we have a glut of young outfielders who need playing time, correct? It wouldn't be useful to, I don't know, call Nate Schierholtz up, or play Dan Ortmeier (who's showing a decent bat in limited time) there, or even try playing Eugenio Velez at a position at which he's more comfortable and where his rocket arm would shame Randy's noodle in comparison?

But I guess Sabes has got a point, Winn is actually REALLY versatile - he can play point guard in a pinch.

Granted, it could be Sabean double-speak - but he lost OBnB's benefit of the doubt somewhere between Jason Schmidt and Neifi Perez.

Maybe the combination of another tough loss and the office downgrade from slightly crappy coffee to Kirkland Signature EconoCoffee has made me crabby.

So here's a comment-starter: do you really think the Giants can contend this year? And what will it take to do so?

SPECIAL REPORT: LOLStros

(Please welcome OBnB Godfather JLev, whose wealth of Giants knowledge is matched only by his capacity to retain useless pop culture references.)

Ishmael Boorg (of “Kingpin” fame) once marveled on how intimidating it is to be in the presence of so many great athletes. Like Ishmael, I am sure that tonight, Pat Misch, like Matt Cain and Barry Zito before him, will look up and down the Fatstros lineup and fear that one of them may employ their distinct “athleticism” to charge the mound as if it were a Hometown Buffet.

Yes, the Astros are a fat bunch.

In a bygone era of baseball, players smoked, drank, and shoveled piles of chili cheese fries down their throats in the knowledge that their colleagues would be doing the same. Today, though we don’t exactly have genetically manufactured clones on the field just yet, the modern athlete comes close. Specifically tailored diets, training regimens, metabolic analyses and submarine concubines all contribute to the creation of the new man – chiseled out of granite and diamonds. However, there are exceptions to this day. For example, the entirety of the Fatstros lineup could be squeezed into this category with the aid of mayonnaise. (Mmmm, mayonnaise.) Let’s examine the culprits:

- Dave Borkowski (pictured left): Aside from being a 31-year-old reliever with a career ERA in the mid-fives, he also has a waistline in the high-equators. When he serves up a fat pitch, often times it is actually covered in the lard that he used to fry an entire box of Oreos the previous night.

- Miguel Tejada: In addition to the fact that he will turn ninety two years-old this year, Miggy has also been comer-ing too many pastelitos during the offseason in his native Dominican Republic. A far cry from the lean, mean SS that came up with the A’s, Miggy is starting to look less Derek Jeter and more Derrick Coleman. Put the maduros down, big guy.

- Ty Wigginton: a far bigger culprit than Tejada, Wigginton’s folds used to create the illusion that the Devil Ray splayed across his chest was actually flopping its oversized fins through the water. The move to Houston (and spit-roasted whole hogs) has done nothing to ameliorate his plight.

- Carlos Lee: Lee is an amazing physical specimen and as such has earned the nickname “El Caballo” or “the Horse” in Spanish. Perhaps a more apt description would be "El Predador" as we see him attack his prey in the preceding picture. Even when he was signed his fat 119 million Kripsy Kreme deal with the ‘stros, the bloggers were on him. Although the Livan Hernandez diet is popular in some quarters, Lee may be better served skipping a Big Mac, or twelve.

- And finally… Lance Berkman (aka Fat Elvis): Funny that Berkman has picked up the handle “Fat Elvis” to the extent that it’s even mention in his Wikipedia page, if only because The King was himself a huge lardo. In order to be Fat Elvis, one must be enormous. Listed at 240 lbs: yeah, in yer bra, he is easily over 250 and may be pushing 275. A Waco native, he must have grown up eating fried federal agents. In addition to leading the league in VORP this year, I would also venture that he leads the league in FORK (Fried/Other Ratio of Konsumption).

Alright, that may not be funny, but I tried.

Today's Giants Lookalike: Too Good To Be My Idea

Meet team OPS leader Matt Cain. A Bondsian 1.072 in case you're wondering.

I have an unhealthy obsession with pitchers that can hit. So even before Matt Williams, er, Cain muscled up again last night, I noted, "Cain certainly takes his hacks up there, doesn't he?"

So forget about the great game he pitched, or the fact that he may be starting to bounce back from a slow start (pitching-wise) to look like the Matt Cain we all know and love. We'll leave that to the lowly beat writers of the world today.

Cainer has shown some power in the past, blasting two out last year. But the entire staff as well as the younger hitters all seem to have benefited from the tutelage of Carney Lansford. So while Cain had 2 HRs in all of 2007, he matched that total last night and is on pace for almost 7 for 2008, a Mike Hampton-esque pace.

I'm only half-joking when I ask: can he play third?

Also, Giants win. Assists to Brian Wilson for a drama-free 1-2-3 in the 9th and FLew, who almost goes for the cycle a year to the date from last one. Slump's over, I suppose.

Win's good for a lot of reasons, most importantly because Pat Misch is facing the Astros stacked lineup tonight. And although Brian Moehler isn't exactly Roy Oswalt, Winn-Molina-Rowand also aren't Tejada-Berkman-Lee.

Photoshop is Creepy

No time to lick wounds as the boys are back at Pac Bell tonight, playing host to Patty Burrell and the Heartbreakers.

Cole Hamels (the Phillies' Tim Lincecum) vs. Pat Misch (the Giants' Pat Misch) in what appears to be a lopsided matchup.

For added fun, reigning MVP and Bay Area native Jimmy Rollins is expected back this series, perhaps as early as tonight, making it just that much harder this time around.

Can you tell I'm grumpy this morning?

Some interesting and mostly depressing tidbits in this piece in today's Chronicle, including this gem on Baked Zito's historic start to the season:

On top of everything on Barry Zito's plate, he has a historically bad record. According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Zito became the third starter in Giants history, and the first in 81 years, to lose his first seven decisions. The others were Bill Carrick in 1899 and Bill Clarkson in 1927.

Lost in the shellackings, however, has been the offense's ineptitude in his starts:

However, the Giants have scored a total of nine runs in his seven games. According to Elias, the last San Francisco pitcher with that little support over his first seven games was Ed Halicki in 1976. Halicki went 1-6 in those starts with a 6.82 ERA, nearly identical to Zito's 6.95.

So Barry can take solace that Ed Halicki, wherever he is, feels his pain, which is nice.

0.00 Bullpen ERA Earns Zito Promotion

BREAKING NEWS: Following a highly successful bullpen stint in which Barry Zito allowed no runs (none earned) on no hits and no walks, the Giants decided to finally pull the trigger and add Zito to their injury-stung rotation.

Interesting move to say the least. And just when I thought management was starting to get a clue.

In fairness, the questionable injury situations surrounding Noah Lowry and Kevin Correia has left the rotation thin. I guess the calculus is that starting the mediocre Pat Misch is not a big enough upgrade to keep Zito out. I guess...

Still, a bizarre turn of events.

Grab Some Pine, Zit

After a May Day off-day, Giants resume play tonight in Philadelphia. Tonight's game will also officially signal the beginning of the Pat Misch Era, or, as some others might put it, the "Barry Zito, Long Reliever" Era. Check out the pitching matchups this weekend - this series should be a barn-burner.

For today's required Zitage, we turn to Jayson Stark, who solicited some more interesting viewpoints from some ominous, stealthy, and potentially deadly, high ranking officials. A couple excerpts:

So can Zito ever get straightened out? We surveyed a half-dozen scouts and executives, and we found only one who thought he could. And that was a scout who said his only hope was to get reunited with Rick Peterson, "the only [pitching coach] Barry Zito ever had success with."

And then there's this, slightly pie in the sky but interesting thought:

"Here's what they should do," he said. "They should go to Zito and say, 'Look, it's clear this is not going to work. Let's put together an NBA-type deferral package. We'll take the whole contract, defer it over 30 years with no interest and then we'll release you, to let you start fresh somewhere else.'

"The club could get significant cost savings that way. You take $112 million over 30 years, that's $3.7 million a year. You're better off paying him $3.7 million a year to not pitch than having him go out and do what he's doing. … In the NBA, this happens a lot. The union would never let him do that in our sport. But you know what? From the player's standpoint, he'd be better off."

There you have it.

Also, a tip of the cap to Stark for one of the better Zito-based puns I've seen: baked Zito. However, I think we find it funny for two entirely different reasons.