SPECIAL REPORT: LOLStros

(Please welcome OBnB Godfather JLev, whose wealth of Giants knowledge is matched only by his capacity to retain useless pop culture references.)

Ishmael Boorg (of “Kingpin” fame) once marveled on how intimidating it is to be in the presence of so many great athletes. Like Ishmael, I am sure that tonight, Pat Misch, like Matt Cain and Barry Zito before him, will look up and down the Fatstros lineup and fear that one of them may employ their distinct “athleticism” to charge the mound as if it were a Hometown Buffet.

Yes, the Astros are a fat bunch.

In a bygone era of baseball, players smoked, drank, and shoveled piles of chili cheese fries down their throats in the knowledge that their colleagues would be doing the same. Today, though we don’t exactly have genetically manufactured clones on the field just yet, the modern athlete comes close. Specifically tailored diets, training regimens, metabolic analyses and submarine concubines all contribute to the creation of the new man – chiseled out of granite and diamonds. However, there are exceptions to this day. For example, the entirety of the Fatstros lineup could be squeezed into this category with the aid of mayonnaise. (Mmmm, mayonnaise.) Let’s examine the culprits:

- Dave Borkowski (pictured left): Aside from being a 31-year-old reliever with a career ERA in the mid-fives, he also has a waistline in the high-equators. When he serves up a fat pitch, often times it is actually covered in the lard that he used to fry an entire box of Oreos the previous night.

- Miguel Tejada: In addition to the fact that he will turn ninety two years-old this year, Miggy has also been comer-ing too many pastelitos during the offseason in his native Dominican Republic. A far cry from the lean, mean SS that came up with the A’s, Miggy is starting to look less Derek Jeter and more Derrick Coleman. Put the maduros down, big guy.

- Ty Wigginton: a far bigger culprit than Tejada, Wigginton’s folds used to create the illusion that the Devil Ray splayed across his chest was actually flopping its oversized fins through the water. The move to Houston (and spit-roasted whole hogs) has done nothing to ameliorate his plight.

- Carlos Lee: Lee is an amazing physical specimen and as such has earned the nickname “El Caballo” or “the Horse” in Spanish. Perhaps a more apt description would be "El Predador" as we see him attack his prey in the preceding picture. Even when he was signed his fat 119 million Kripsy Kreme deal with the ‘stros, the bloggers were on him. Although the Livan Hernandez diet is popular in some quarters, Lee may be better served skipping a Big Mac, or twelve.

- And finally… Lance Berkman (aka Fat Elvis): Funny that Berkman has picked up the handle “Fat Elvis” to the extent that it’s even mention in his Wikipedia page, if only because The King was himself a huge lardo. In order to be Fat Elvis, one must be enormous. Listed at 240 lbs: yeah, in yer bra, he is easily over 250 and may be pushing 275. A Waco native, he must have grown up eating fried federal agents. In addition to leading the league in VORP this year, I would also venture that he leads the league in FORK (Fried/Other Ratio of Konsumption).

Alright, that may not be funny, but I tried.